Note: I revised the poem “Beautiful Tragedy” by dropping and adding a few words, and dropping the last stanza.

Click one of the images below to see a handwritten version of this journal entry.

Beautiful Tragedy

She bellows a galvanizing cry
For she has a broken wing
And cannot fly

What is it to be a butterfly
Who possessed so much vivacity
And cannot fly?

What crime had she committed
To be rendered spiritless
And to the thought of suicide?

Is this Devil’s call
To destine her to this devastating fall
Or is this her own making?

She cocooned a narcissism
Burying in her thoughts
Those who valued her existance

Until one day she flew with grand momentum
And crashed on the land
And broke her beautiful wing

At the last demand for
Her love,
Her attention

Is this Devil’s call
To destine her to this devastating fall
Or is this her own making?

Ever beautiful,
Ever obstinate,
And she is forever doomed

“Oh,” she sighs,
And attempts her last flight
Before the time she dies

For she misused
And did not love to the death
She took her final breath

I wrote this within 30 minutes. I always seem to find something beautiful and turn it into something lugubrious to express the way that I feel about a topic or how I’m feeling in general.

That’s the way that I feel sometimes — that maybe I have some demons to address myself as I say of others. It is true that I do have demons to address, but I do love. I even love hard, but sometimes there’s just some things I have to let go and move on from. I am referring to my relationship with Daryl.

When I was with him, I felt ugly and like a monster. And it was because we weren’t on the same page. We didn’t want the same things. He was 10.5 years older than I am. He had a plethora of history that I couldn’t even match up to. He had three children, and I only had just met his son about two weeks before we broke up. [he hadn't seen in him in all that time, either.] I have no children; I just have two dogs whom I love as children. I’m not sure that I even want children anymore. He’s physically attacked me to “make me listen” to him complain about how I want to succeed in life and not let him or anyone else hinder my progress.

It was never love. Truthfully, it wasn’t. It was just an attraction we both had to each other, and I simply lost the attraction and he didn’t.

Anyway, onto another subject that fits into this: Sometimes I can get so angry that I can’t even comprehend anything. I think I need some counseling, seriously, before my anger becomes too much for me to cope with. I guess I just need to vent my frustration with certain things and certain people, especially my cousin who molested me when I was young.

I have no idea what made me write any of this. I guess I just needed to get this off of my chest in some form and come to the realization that I need fucking help. I know that I’m a case.

Anyway, I saw the 3D movie “Fly Me to the Moon” yesterday after work. It was wonderful. I have no clue as to why it’s getting bad reviews. But I liked it myself.